Communication has never been one of my strong suits.
Even still to this day, I would rather write an email or letter because it helps me think through what I want to say and keeps from jumbling up my thoughts. Up until recently in my marriage, when I felt wronged, hurt, or even just had something wrestling around in my mind, I didn't know how to get that across to Ty. Instead of having a normal, healthy conversation, I would ignore it. I would sit on it. I would let it stew until eventually it passed.
A little over a year ago, I started following Jeremy and Audrey Roloff on Instagram. I'm not one to follow celebrities, but was drawn to these two after first learning about their marriage ministry, Beating 50 Percent. Jeremy's family became famous with their TLC show, Little People, Big World. However, since they've stepped away, I have loved seeing both of them in a new light where they are honoring God, honoring the convenient of marriage, and building up other couples in the process. Last year, they shared their marriage journey in their book A Love Letter Life, along with practical advice they've found to be successful in building their own marriage.
I read this book quickly and loved all they stood for. Within these pages, they introduce a series of six questions they created prior to writing A Love Letter Life in a book called, The Marriage Journal. If I could gift couples, at any stage in their marriage, with one thing, this would be it. After listening to them talk about it both in this book, and on their podcast, Behind the Scenes, I approached Ty asking him if he would be up for doing these questions with me. I didn't have the book, but found the questions on another resource they had put out, so I created my own page, which we still use.
About a year ago, I did a quick video on Facebook sharing my love for these questions and had a HUGE response from people asking for me to send them my copy of the questions, which I happily sent to probably 40+ people. I have also gifted The Marriage Journal book a few times to couples because I believe in it wholeheartedly. I can't WAIT to share them with you today, also!
The process is really quite simple. Once a week, couples are encouraged to sit down and answer the same six questions. We do ours on Sunday most weeks and it has become a sacred time for us. The questions cover a multitude of areas in which couples struggle to communication and/or just don't communicate about. Thankfully, I have the best husband, and at this point in our lives, things were starting to change in us, so he was open to anything that would bring life back into our marriage and home. We committed to sitting down together once a week and going through these questions together. So, to this day, I print out the questions, write down each of our our answers, and keep each one in a 3-ring binder.
Despite the simplicity of it, it has been completely transformational in our marriage. Communication was an area that we struggled with, but since doing these questions, we've learned to share the good, the hard, the ugly and difficult, and have dreamt together about where we feel God leading us.
So, let me briefly take you through the questions...
Question #1: What brought you joy this week?
How often in marriage, do we only focus on the hard elements of our day/week? I know I tend to do that more often than I'd like. I love this question because every time we answer it, I see a smile smear across our faces as we reminisce about the small and big joys of the week.
Question #2: What was something that was hard this week?
Because life is hard. And I found that as we share our struggles, we're either very much on the same page with things, or we see difficult areas of each other's lives that we might've been oblivious to throughout the week.
Question #3: What's one specific thing I can do for you this week?
I am beyond guilty of assuming my husband should know how I need help throughout the week. I have thought... I shouldn't have to TELL YOU how I need help. You should just know. I mean, come'on. How unhealthy is that thought alone? Communication people. Just tell them straight up.
Question #4: How can I pray for you this week?
Another question I love because of what it brings to the surface. Things I never realized my husband was even struggling with have come out through this question. It gives us specific areas in which we can serve each other through prayer.
Question #5: Is there anything that's gone unsaid, convictions, confessions, or unresolved hurt?
This one is a biggie. I am a mix of a 2 and 9 on the Enneagram, which is the Helper/Peacemaker. I love this, but it has also caused me to avoid conflict at all costs. If I know it's going to be hard to discuss, or cause an argument, I just... don't. I've actually loved this question, though, because it's given me a safe place to bring things up that I wouldn't normally.
Question #6: What a dream, desire, or thought that's been on the forefront of your mind this week?
This is one of my favorites. It has been a place of dreams, frustrations, ideas, and just a place to work through some hard things together. It was in this question that we decided to pursue looking for a home... and then not, worked through how to introduce Sabbath into our life, discussed how to handle tough situations with the kids, and this was where the idea of this blog was born. I truly love having a designated spot to dream and talk about the big stuff with my guy.
At the end of the six questions, you have an opportunity to ask each other any other question(s) you might have.
End in prayer.
Following the questions and prayer time, we review our weekly schedule, which is also part of The Marriage Journal book if you were to go that route. This. Has. Been. Huge! How many times has something come up throughout the week and the conversation goes a little something like this...
Her: "Don't forget we have that meeting tonight."
Him: "What meeting?"
Her: "That meeting! I told you about it. We talked about it a few days ago. Remember?"
Him: "No you didn't. I haven't heard anything about this meeting."
Her: "Are you kidding me?? We talked about it."
And cue argument. Right? We have found that laying out our weekly engagements and commitments has hugely eliminated unnecessary arguments. We're able to discuss when and where we need to be so that throughout the week there are no surprises. Life changing.
There are also two other questions we usually discuss once a month, which are also part of The Marriage Journal.
1. How are we stewarding our finances?
2. How is our sex life?
Again, two very important questions that can lead to so many arguments, stress, and tension in a marriage and need to be discussed regularly and openly.
I cannot fully express what a gift these questions have been for our lives and our marriage. Every week we do them, the thought runs through my mind, "Why is every married couple not doing this?" God works deeply in each of us every single time we sit down and answer them. Walls begin crumbling and hearts are softened.
I remember a time when Ty and I were fighting big time. I couldn't even begin to tell you what it was about, but Sunday night rolled around. Typically, Ty and I would sit together on Sunday afternoon and go through these, but the busyness of the day prevented that from happening, so here we were, right before bed, tired and angry with one another. He looked at me and said, "Alright. Let's do our questions."
I just started crying and said, "I don't want to do our questions."
He graciously, and calmly, looked at me and said, "I know. Me neither. But these are the times we need them the most."
And you know what? By the end of it, and many tears later (on my end - haha!) we got through them and the argument was over. We were able to communicate where our hearts were and the dust settled quickly.
I will tell you, as you can see from the picture above, it's not always easy to make it through the questions with littles. There are many times I want to throw in the towel and say, "We'll try again later." But, I also believe it is hugely important for our kids to see us prioritizing our marriage and not stopping an extremely important practice in our lives, just to cater to their every need. I want my kids to see us pouring into our relationship with the Lord by pouring into our marriage.
Showing our kids how we prioritize each other and our marriage is one of the most important things we can do for them in preparing them for how they will one day live out their own marriage.
Friends. I love you. That is why I am desperate to share the PDF of The Marriage Journal questions we use, but better than that... support Jeremy and Audrey's marriage ministry by buying the book yourselves. You will not be disappointed.
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