Life Changes

It's easy to say that change is inevitable. We know it happens. We know it can be good. But, that sure doesn't make it any easier when change weasels its way into our lives out of no where.

In this last month, the Lord has brought about a huge change in our lives. One I could've never predicted would happen, yet here we are. Embarking on a new, scary, but incredible journey. 

From the time I graduated college in 2009, I fought hard to become a teacher. I won't bore you with my story, but I jumped through many hoops to finally find a permanent home, and once I did, I could see clearly why the Lord was saving me for that exact school, classroom, and position. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to love teaching middle school, yet I quickly discovered that this was exactly where He intended for me to end up all along.

I was pregnant for most of my first year at this new school. I had Jude in May and returned back to work the following September. Being a working mom is an internal battle that is not talked about nearly enough. Nothing quite describes the guilt of leaving your babies in the arms of another person as you head off to work. Was I not following God's plan for me as a mother? Was I failing my children by working instead of being home with them? I struggled deeply with this, but also loved being a teacher and couldn't imagine not continuing to live out this calling that God had put on my heart years before. However, the enemy loves this doubt we feel. He loves when we question God's plan and uses these thoughts to feed us lies that do nothing but tear us down and leave us with feelings of inadequacy.

I found myself really struggling to find the balance. On the outside, I might've looked like I had it all together. I often got asked, "How do you do it??" But, in actuality, it was really, really difficult for me. I struggled with how to give both home life and work life the attention each needed and deserved. As teachers know, it's not a profession you can just be done with when you walk out of the doors. It's constantly on your mind. On top of that, our kids were getting older, and naturally, busier. It was a constant rush from one thing to the next.

Recognizing that this constant rush isn't a healthy way of life, Ty and I started to reevaluate the rhythms of our family and our life. We read the books To Hell with the Hustle by Jefferson Bethke and The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer, which both began a huge transformation in our lives. We started to slow down. We connected more. We were intentional about the pockets of time we had throughout the day. We started making our way back to the foundations of family and life that God originally designed for us. Over the last year, we've continued to deepen those practices, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. It hasn't been easy. So, so, sooooo not easy. We fail daily. We still rush out of the house yelling at our kids to get their shoes on (Can someone explain to me why this is so hard?!) and easily become impatient with each other in the process. But, I know we're on the right path, and in my book, that's a good start. Instead of talking about it, we're practicing it. We're actively seeking ways to better our family, our marriage, our relationship with the Lord, and our lives.

In the process of trying to better our home, marriage, family, parenting, basic humanness, we were still living a crazy busy life. Although, despite the craziness of managing a 5, 4, and 3-year-old, a full time job, being team leader, on the PBIS committee, running the Random Acts of Kindness Club, and being our 8th grade ELA rep, I felt like we had gotten into a pretty good rhythm of managing the chaos, loving on each other whenever possible, and spending intentional time as a family. Oh, and then the good Lord threw in Covid-19, and here I found myself trying to manage it all from home with our three littles. Praise God for my oldest sister, who continued to take my children in the mornings to make it doable, but gracious, my head was spinning.

The week before Covid started to shut things down in our valley, Ty and I sat down and were trying to figure out what we could cut out of our lives/schedule to help slow down the pace of our lives even more. We had something every night of the week after work and it just felt like too much. We struggled hugely with this decision because it was all really good stuff. Gymnastics, dance, Bible study, date night, family dinners, etc. And then we no longer had to decide because, well... it was all canceled for us. As great as it was to have this extra time, we still grieved the loss of our normal lives. However, like He does, God quickly revealed to me what a beautiful gift I had been given in this. We were given the opportunity to do exactly as we desired... to slow down. To be more intentional. To love on each other more deeply. As we settled into this new way of life, I realized what a gift it is to play a more active role in my children's lives. And then, we were hit with the news that my sister would not be able to watch the kids next year. This opened up a conversation I never would've expected to happen. That very day, Ty and I began discussing the possibility of me staying home with them next year. This was something I never thought I would want for the mere fact that I adored teaching. Stepping away from that was scary and caused me an immense amount of heartache. I suddenly felt a fear of the unknown and losing who God designed me to be.

I knew that this was not something I would be able to make sense of on my own, and I knew this feeling was nothing I would be able to combat on my own, either, so I turned to God's Word. One verse continues to settle my anxieties as I move through this transition.

 

Why this verse? More than anything I want to trust God's plan for my life and not ever let the world determine my decisions, because the world is good at making decisions for us and telling us our next right and wrong move. People's opinions and words tend to carry a heavier weight than Jesus' to the point that we start making decisions based on how others will perceive us rather than what God is telling us to do. The closer I find myself to Him, the more aware I am of just how much the world has distorted His design for marriage, parenting, and how we are to live our lives. And that, my friends, is where this idea was born from. I had an aching in my heart to share our journey and wrestle with really hard things together in order to help strengthen families in a very lost world. I don't have the answers. I don't have the solutions. I just want to share our experiences in hopes that it'll help bring people back to God's design for this world. Or maybe just help people realize that you're not in this alone and it's not easy for anyone. I won't pretend like I have it all together, because Lord knows I don't. Far from it. But I will continue to trust the Lord to guide my steps along the way. 

A little over a year ago, Ty and I started to sit down every Sunday and answer six very simple questions that come from the Marriage Journal by Jeremy and Audrey Rolloff. This has been life changing, but that's a blog for another time. A few months ago, we were dreaming a bit together about the potential of starting a blog and I asked Ty what we might name it. He quickly said, "I don't know why, but I keep thinking about the movie 'The Way, Way Back' [one of our favorite movies!] except I'm thinking for this, maybe 'The Way Back' instead. But, I'm not sure what it means." Still unsure of where that would lead us, we sat and prayed together and in that prayer, I got the picture of us finding the way back to God's original design for marriage and family from where the world has taken us to. So, here we are friends. Completely vulnerable, scared, nervous, and unsure of where this will lead us. Nonetheless, we love you. We are thankful for you and your role in our story. Cheers to new adventures.